Pilotenwitze:       back



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Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to
make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation,
and in the event of an emergency water landing,
please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wing of the airplane.

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person
caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave
the plane immediately."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude
now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.
Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay
inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the
flight pattern."

And, after landing:  "Thank you for flying Delta
Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the
business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner
to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were
beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins.
The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This
aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system
that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers
not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes
to a full and complete stop at the gate will be
strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've
reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off
the seat belt sign.  I'm switching to autopilot, too,
so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of
the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National,a lone voice comes over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella..WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop
from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your
own mouth and nose before assisting children or
adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to
gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will
be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."  "Last one off
the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the
industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!"

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he
had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the first officer to
stand at the door while the passengers exited,give a smile,
and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."  He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye,thinking that someone would have a
smart comment.  Finally everyone had gotten off except for this
little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?"  "Why no Ma'am," said the
pilot, "what is it?"  The little old lady said, "Did we land
or were we shot down?"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas,
on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach
the Captain was really having to fight it.  After
an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the
PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while
the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain
Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything
has shifted."....
 
 

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LH741:
"Tower, give me a rough timecheck!"
Tower:
"It's tuesday, Sir."

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Tower:
Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot:
Yes.
Tower:
Yes what??
Pilot:
Yes, SIR!

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...Anlass genug fur einen kleinen bescheidenen Beitrag aus Zurich
(ZRH).
Ich sass in einer C-172 und hoerte mir den Funkverkehr so mit, als
folgendes geschah:
Eine kurze Beschreibung von Zurich an dem Morgen:

Take-off RWY 28
Landing RWY 16, alternate 14
Tower:
Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194:
Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower:
AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194:
Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 Sekunden spaeter:

Tower:
Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194:
Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes
...In der Zwischenzeit: Rwy 16 hatte eine 737 mit einem Platten, Rwy 14
war ueberlastet, also nahm man eine 767 von Cincinnati auf 28. Die Crew
der 767 war nun 8 Stunden unterwegs...

Tower
:Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 2
miles!
AZ194:
Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
DL104:
Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll fuck you from behind!
Ich konnte mich im Cockpit kaum erholen - die AZ194 hob Space-Shuttle
maessig ab... (Story by Salvatore Baia)
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Tower:
Shamu Two Two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot:
Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

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Pilot:
"Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower:
"Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by
the
way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot:
(Nach einer Denkpause) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the
outer marker."
Tower:
"Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot:
(Nach einer Denkpause) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower:
"You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot:
(Nach einer erneuten Pause) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not
to Vienna!"
Tower:
"Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb
to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."

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Tower:
"Delta Delta Whiskey, rollen Sie über Teerweg zwo null neun Charlie und
Mike zum GAT."
Pilot:
"Äh...Teerweg zwo...?"
Tower:
"Das ist der kleine rechts. Sie sind gerade dran vorbeigerollt."
Pilot:
"Sorry."
Tower:
"Don't worry, nehmen Sie den Mike."
Pilot:
"Äh, ...Mike ?"
Tower:
"Das ist der letzte ganz hinten rechts..."

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Pilot:
"Condor 471, gibt's hier keinen Follow-me ?"
Tower:
"Negativ, sehen Sie mal zu, wie Sie allein zum Gate 10 kommen."

-
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Pilot:
"...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower:
"Roger. You are a fuel truck."

-
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Tower:
"Phantom-Formation crossing controlzone without clearance, state your
callsign !"
Pilot:
"I'm not silly..."

-
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Tower (in Stuttgart):
"Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot:
"Das ist ja wie in Frankfurt. Da gibt's auch nur 210 und 170 Knoten...
Aber wir sind ja flexibel."
Tower:
"Wir auch. Reduce to 173 knots."

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Tower:
"RFG 312, fliegen Sie direkt nach Olno VOR. Brauchen Sie einen
Radar-Vektor ?"
Pilot:
"Nein, es geht auch so, wir können das VOR schon empfangen. Es liegt
genau in der Richtung, wo der Mond steht."
Tower:
"Ja, aber den haben wir nicht auf dem Radarschirm."

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Pilot:
"Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower:
"Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your
destination ?"
Pilot:
"Wie jeden Montag, nach Leipzig."
Tower:
"Aber, wir haben heute Dienstag !"
Pilot:
"WAS ? Am Dienstag haben wir doch frei !"

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Tower:
"Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours
ago ?"
Pilot:
"Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

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Pilot:
"Tower, da brennt ein Runway-light."
Lotse:
"Ich hoffe, da brennen mehrere."
Pilot:
"Sorry, ich meine, es qualmt."

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Tower:
"Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot:
"Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

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Tower:
"Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway."
Pilot:
"Roger. We'll check the car on the runway."

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Tower:
"Delta Romeo Zulu, confirm you are inbound to Sulz NDB?"
Pilot:
"Affirm, but we don't receive it."

-
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Tower:
"Delta Oscar Mike, squawk 0476."
Pilot:
"Say again."
Tower:
"Squawk 0476."
Pilot:
"Four, zero...? "
Tower:
"Wollen Sie'n leichteren haben ?"

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Tower:
"Delta Bravo Charlie, ist Ihr Squawk wirklich sieben null vier sechs?"
Pilot:
"Positiv."
Tower:
"Ich mag's kaum glauben, Sie haben eine angezeigte Höhe von minus
neunzig Fuß."

-
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Tower:
"Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot:
"Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower:
"Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot:
"Aber vier plus sechs ist doch zehn, oder?"
Tower:
"Sie sollen steigen, nicht addieren."

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Tower:
"DE..., fliegen Sie weiter im Gegenanflug für die 26, Landenummer 2
hinter einer DC 9 im kurzen Endteil."
Pilot:
"Verstanden, fliege weiter für die 29 und folge der DC 6."
Tower:
"Nicht ganz richtig: Die Landebahn war 26 und Ihr Verkehr eine DC 9."
Pilot:
"Okay, ich folge der DC 26... Wie war die Landebahn ?"

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Hubschrauber-Lehrer (zu seinem Flugschueler):
"Sehen Sie zu, dass Sie innerhalb der betonierten Flaeche
bleiben." Und nach ein paar Minuten:
"Ach was, bleiben Sie wenigstens in der Bundesrepublik ! "

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In Memoriam Muenchen-Riem, wo gleichzeitig eine TB10 auf der 25R und
eine
737 auf der 25L landen.
Pilot der 737:
"War das jetzt eine Formationslandung ?"
Tower:
"Nee. Formationsflug ist's ja nur, wenn ihr auf derselben Bahn landet.
Aber sah trotzdem gut aus. Ausserdem: die Bahnen sind ja zwei Kilometer
auseinander, da kann nichts passieren."
737-Pilot beim Rollen auf dem Taxiway:
"Ist das nicht komisch? Die Bahnen sind doch höchstens 200 Meter
auseinander !?"
Tower:
"Natürlich! Ein Bayer hätt' das schon längst gemerkt."

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Pilot:
"Frankfurt Information, hier Delta Bravo Zulu. Wir sind jetzt über
Dinkelsbühl in Flugfläche 95."
Tower:
"Sie sollten doch München Information rufen !"
Pilot:
"Ja, weiß ich, aber bei Ihnen gefällt mir das Programm besser."

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Tower:
"Flamingo 019, do you have a "Springbock" in sight, twelve o'clock five
miles crossing from left to right ?"
Pilot:
"If you mean a 737...?"
Tower:
"Yeah, you got it, you got it !"

-
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Tower:
"Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot:
"Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."

-
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München II
Tower:
"LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610):
"Wir sind aber noch gar nicht gelandet."
Tower:
"Ja, wer steht denn da auf der 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801):
"LH 8801."
Tower:
"Na ja, dann seid ihr cleared for take-off."

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Tower:
"Delta Mike Zulu, after landing cleared to taxi Alpha 7, Alpha 5,
Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2."
Pilot:
"Wo ist denn das, wir kennen uns hier noch nicht so aus ?"
Tower:
"Das macht nichts. Ich bin auch erst zwei Tage hier."

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Flugschüler:
"Lichtenfels Info, DEITN, im rechten Queranflug Landebahn 22, zum
Durchstarten und Aufsetzen."
Tower:
"DEITN, ich habe eine große Bitte: erst aufsetzen und dann
durchstarten!"

-
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Tower:
You have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot:
Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

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Tower:
Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot:
I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower:
Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!

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Pilot:
Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back,
please. (Turbinen starten und vom Terminal zurückschieben lassen)
Tower:
KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot:
Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower:
Affirmative
Pilot:
In that case, cancel the good morning!

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Eggenfelden Info :
D-EXXX pls. report persons aboard.
D-EXXX (C-172) :
Pilot and two pax and one dog.
Eggenfelden Info (after Cessna finally bounced to stop) :
Assume the Pilot in Command was the dog ?

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Pilot:
F LX 30, Kontrollraum, bitte kommen, wir haben nur noch wenige Liter
Treibstoff. Erbitte Anweisungen !
Kontrollraum:
Bitte geben Sie uns ihre Position an, wir haben Sie nicht auf unserem
Radarschirm...!
Pilot:
Wir stehen auf der Landebahn 2 und moechten wissen, wann der Tankwagen
kommt!

-
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Tower:
"Hoehe und Position?"
Pilot:
"Also ich bin 1,80 m und sitze ganz vorne links"

-
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Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery:
German Air Force 269, you are cleared to Destination Indian Springs via
after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position
direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000
feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter
intercept j158 own navigation read back.
GAF 269:
Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via
after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position
direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000
feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept j156 direct ZZT thereafter
intercept j158 own navigation and I need another pencil.

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Tower:
"Cannot read you, say again!"
Pilot:
"Again!"
 
 
 
 

Collected by Thomas Knoblauch
Version 12.07.99
http://www.star-shine.ch


04.03.2003  /  http://www.star-shine.ch   /  (c) by Thomas Knoblauch  /  Kontakt & Copyright